Why is it that you can take an incredibly strong and independent woman (such as a single mom), have her swept off her feet in a whirlwind romance with some guy and then when he leaves her, her whole world falls apart? What is it that she so badly needs from him that she’s miserable without him?
Have you ever been this woman? Have you ever been convinced that the one man you were destined to be with was the man who didn’t love you back? I know I have and it sucks! It sucks a lot to be in that position! You sit there and wait for him to call, you go through every strategy in your head on how to get him back and your whole world is put on hold until you are finally forced to move on completely jaded or he comes back.
When I met Ryan, I was separated from my ex-husband. I was scared and alone and completely unsure about my future. I was definitely not the woman I am today. Anyway, Ryan quickly swept me off my feet and became a source of safety and reassurance for me. Whenever I had a rough day dealing with my ex and trying to adjust to my new single mom life, he was there and he always made me feel better. So when he decided that he didn’t want to be with me anymore, I was devastated! I cried and cried and it felt like the world had just given up on me. I tried moving on but it seemed impossible without him in my life and I slowly fell into a state of depression that I was convinced revolved around my breakup.
Then one day I had had enough. I started to really think about why I was so unhappy and what it was about Ryan that made me happy. It wasn’t that Ryan himself was a missing link to my happiness. It was that he was providing me with something that I was no longer providing myself. Love and security. I was going through such a hard time and in the midst of it all, I had started to neglect myself. I wasn’t taking care of myself like I had, and I wasn’t focusing on my needs. After all, why did I need to focus on my needs when I had a very attractive man doing it for me? From then on I decided to put my needs first and actively nurture the love I have for myself.
No one can take your happiness and faith from you. When you are unhappy, it’s because you are neglecting the love you have for yourself. You have to accept that people are going to hurt you. That you can’t make someone love you and that there will be times you have to just let people go. How can you love someone who doesn’t love you anyway? When you think that you’re in love with someone who doesn’t love you, it’s not their love you’re missing, it’s your love for yourself that you are missing. Something is missing in how you love yourself and it’s easy to place the responsibility of this missing link on a relationship. After all, relationships with other people make us happy.
Once I realized this, I started paying more attention to my needs. I started nurturing the love I have for myself and in return, I finally began to realize just how valuable I am. Now when I enter in a relationship, I ask myself How can he add to my happiness? as opposed to How can he make me happy?. I’m the one who makes me happy and the man who is lucky enough to settle my heart will only add to this happiness, not make it.
You have to own your happiness. Be responsible for it! Focus on who you are inside and learn about the things you need to be happy and then provide them for yourself. For me it’s spending time with my kids and being the best mom I can be, being successful in my career and school, eating peanut butter etc… My point is that if you nurture your self-love and create your own happiness, then you can go into a relationship without the fear of expectations and failure. Actually, those won’t even exist because you’ll know that no matter what happens, happiness is always at the end of your road. You don’t need a man to make you happy. All you need is yourself. So the next time you find yourself hopelessly wishing to have your ex back, remind yourself that you’re missing something from you. Take some time to be alone and really focus on taking care of yourself and figuring out what you can do for yourself to regain your happiness.
Written by Kristy Casto
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