Do you ever attribute your dating issues to your own faults? Do you sit around and ask yourself and your friends over and over “What’s wrong with me”?, and then narrow it down to something like you’re too picky, you’re too untrusting, you’ve been hurt too much or you’re too fat or some other perceived imperfection?
There is nothing about you that you need to fix. All you have to do is accept your imperfections because they are beautiful. And once you do accept them, you empower them to show you and lead you to what you really want. Life is a never ending forward journey. Never stand still and never look back. Your life is perfect right now. You are on the right path. You are perfect.
This is a lesson that has truly changed my life. Once I learned to accept myself the way I am and I quit looking for things to fix about me, I took my happiness to a whole new level. I love getting your questions, and if there is anything at all I can help any of you, my beautiful friends with, I will answer and always give my heartfelt advice. I’m here for you so feel free to contact me with your questions and I will get back to you within a reasonable amount of time.
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Brian says
Kristy,
I am not a single mom, but I’m hoping you can help me. I’m a 50 YO single guy (recently divorced) and I have dated maybe a dozen ladies in the last two years – almost all of them are single moms. The age appropriate ones for me typically have children in high school or college or recently graduated from each. I have a tremendous amount of respect for single moms. I think they have the hardest job in the world. I have never had any children of my own, but everyone tells me I would be a great dad (and I think so too).
So here is my situation. I hope you can help me, but also many of the single moms in your audience that might be wrestling with the same issues.
I’m dating a wonderful woman that lives four hours away from me. We met on-line and have been chatting for almost exactly a year. We text each other every day, normally several times a day. She is in Canada, so talking can be expensive (she’s not on what’s app or other free voice options and she’s a bit tech averse with things like skype too). We went on a few dates last spring, but things really took off in the fall. So I feel like we have been “dating exclusively” since the end of October. I drive to see her almost every other weekend and we just went on a 6 day vacation together. I would visit her every weekend if her schedule allowed because I’ve totally fallen in love with this woman. Someday, I will move closer – or even to Canada to be with her (and she knows that).
She has four children. The oldest is about 24, two are in college and the youngest is 14. She teaches first grade and has a crazy busy schedule between her teaching and activities for the children. The college age kids come home almost every weekend and the 14 year old spends every other weekend with his dad.
She feels very strongly about her home being for her children and she will not let me stay at her house unless none of the kids are home (which has happened 3-4 times now). Most of the time when I visit, I get a nearby hotel room and we spend a lot of time together during the day, but she will go home to sleep. She has been divorced for five years and was separated for two years before that. I am the first serious boyfriend she has had in that time (and really other than her husband, I’m really only the second serious boyfriend she has ever had). She does refer to me as her boyfriend and I have met all of her children except the one that lives far away. She has met most of my family (when we have gone on trips together). When we first met, I thought she had given up on dating or ever finding a man to be with. In the past year, I know that she has come around and believes that there is a life for her with a partner (once all the kids are on their own). But it has always been so far away for her until I came along.
So here is my dilemma. Even though I have met her children, It has just been a quick hello. We don’t really do things together with them – and she has always wanted to keep them insulated from any man (even though she has not really dated much). Most of her life she has poured all of her time and energy into her children. So right now, I can only really visit on the weekends when her youngest is with his dad. And on those weekends, normally her college age kids come home and she will do some things with them (but also spends time separately with me). Her youngest son is definitely having a hard time with his mom dating – and her daughter (which I think likes me) has flat out told her that she would prefer that she not date (because she wants her mom all to herself). Her college age son is pretty middle of the road about things, I don’t think he minds his mom dating and may also like me, but she does feel like she needs to spend time with him when he’s home.
At first, I think she wanted to insulate her kids from any guy she might date. But I think she realizes that she created a bit of a monster on that front now. I think she recognizes that she has “spoiled” her children with her time and attention and realizes that now it is getting hard to make some “alone time” for herself, let alone to be dating. She also recognizes that someday the children will all have their own lives and that will leave her very alone. So I think she has become more healthy about understanding and wanting time for herself (and for us together). But for me it is a real challenge to travel that far and only see her for a couple hours at a time – and also recognize that there are weekends and other times that I can’t see her at all because of her time with the kids (or her ex not taking the kids). BTW her ex was always a bit of an “absentee father” so she has always had the responsibility of doing everything for the kids.
In my mind, the solution is for us to spend time together, but also with her children as long as they are OK with it. I’m just not sure if they are, or how to get them more comfortable with it. I would be happy to spend a whole weekend with her and her kids and doing activities with them (while still going to the hotel to sleep if they are staying at the house). But we are just not that far along yet and I don’t know if the children would want to do that. I know we both like each other a lot – but finding time together – and getting the children on board is the challenge. I know that this will all get worked out in time, but I just wish things would move along a little faster because time together is a challenge.
What advice do you have to try to help the process along – or other advice altogether?
Chloe says
I am so confused about what to do about the father of my child. We were together for a year and in that year I ignored so many red flags. He would constantly belittle me and blame me for anything that went wrong and then tried to say it was just because he was insecure or scared. I finally broke it off when he accused me of having sex with people in order to get good grades in college, graduate high school (I graduated a year early), and join the marines which I was working towards when I found out I was pregnant. He didn’t leave, and keeps trying to be lovey-dovey with me even when I tell him to stop. He does great for a bit and then it’s like all hell breaks loose or he’ll tell me I’m lucky he hasn’t left the baby and I because I won’t have sex with him. Sometimes I feel like we would be okay in a relationship again and then that fantasy abruptly ends. What can I do to fix this without completely banishing him?
BJ says
I didn’t need the validation your reply to Brandy gave me however, it did in fact help. I refuse to cave to my son who acts strange around my boyfriend. I’ve sat with him multiple times to ask why he is so negative when my BF is over and I get no tangible answer other than, “I don’t want you to be with him.” We play basketball as a family (with my BF)play games, hang out and at all times he interacts with all of my children with attention, patience and kindness. During basketball and football my son loves my BF’s attendance, however, if my BF and I kiss, hold hands, sit next to each other or show any type of affection, my son stares AND or cries. It makes both of us very annoyed, his negative energy is hard to ignore. My son chases my BF down in the house to tell him things, share experiences with and such, yet turns cold the minute my BF and I are near each other. I’m standing my ground, I deserve a love and relationship that I once thought was a fairytale. I found my knight in shining armor and I’m keeping him. My son, will in fact, be better for it in the long run as well.
But I would love some guidance on how to handle the negativity coming from my son. My BF hasn’t even stayed the night yet….yikes
Kimberly says
Hey there, Ive been seeing a man for the last 3 months. We met online. We live 2 hours apart and we work opposite schedules. Our first date turned into a weekend and we both saw the schedule and the distance as a huge issue but still decided to get together for a second weekend. After our second weekend, he was leaving for 6 weeks to recuperate from a surgery. He asked me to take him to the hospital and to my surprise he listed me as the person his doctor could talk to. The hospital staff treated me like his wife!!! Then I drove him to the airport. We kissed goodbye and i was concerned that would be the end of that. When I asked him if we would talk while he was gone, he said “Why wouldnt we?” Well 6 weeks later we’ve talked or texted every day and he’s asked me.to pick him up at the airport and spend the day and the evening with him. My question is…why in the past week have his texts and calls become less and less? I mean, it would seem obvious that he likes me but I’m getting that anxious feeling. Should I put so much weight on texting and calls? When I do call he always picks up and we ee talk for at least a half hour to an hour. Sometimes he does call me. Im just confused because I cant seem to tell what hes thinking.
Elyse says
I believe i would be cautious on this and back away to see what he does. He sounds like he is using you.
Brandy says
My oldest hates the guy I’m seeing. Im cutting it off but I really like this guy and he is the sweetest thing ever. I hate it but that’s what we do for our kids right?
Kristy says
Hello Brandy,
Kids and dating can be so confusing sometimes but I’ve been in a similar scenario before. We always say we would do anything for our kids and we hear all the time that we have to put our kids first so it’s only natural that you think this is what you should do but am I wrong in assuming there’s a little voice inside you that is screaming No! Don’t let him go!?
Here’s why…to put your kids first, you have to put yourself first. Your happiness first because in doing so, you are setting an example for your children to put their happiness first and that love is so worth having. If you are truly happy with this guy, stand up for yourself and don’t let him go. Show your children that you are worth having the love that you want and that makes you happy. In showing them you believe in your worth, they will learn to believe in theirs.
Why does your oldest not like him? I would sit down and talk with your oldest and let them talk completely un judged by you. In other words, don’t get mad or tell them what’s right or wrong. Show them you care about their feelings and believe everything they say. Then lovingly let them know that you are happy with this man and he’s here to stay and you expect your oldest to respect him.
Another thing is, do not try to force or persuade a relationship between these two. Your oldest will have to deal with their emotions on their own time.
Remember, you come first because when you put yourself first, you have the most love to give to your children. Be an example for them…to always put your happiness first. I hope this helps and let me know if you need anything.
Love,
Kristy