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• A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."

• A daughter broke-up with her boyfriend. She asked her Mother's advice about returning the gifts he'd given her. Without a pause, her Mother replied, "Send back the stuffed animals and letters, but keep the jewelry for sentimental reasons."

Mother's Dictionary

• Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.
• Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
• Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
• Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
• Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

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Things Mom Taught Me

• My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
• My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
• My mother taught me about ENVY... "There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
• My Mother taught me about JUSTICE... "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you....Then you'll see what it's like!"

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The Evolution of Moms

CLOTHES:
• 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
• 2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
• 3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

PREPARING for the BIRTH:
• 1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
• 2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
• 3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

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Principles of Motherhood

• Motherhood - If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
• An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• Avenge yourself - Live long enough to be a problem to your children.
• Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need baby-sitters and too young to borrow the family car.

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You know you're a Mom when

• You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
• Your feet stick to the kitchen floor.....and you don't care.
• You spend an entire week wearing sweats.
• Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
• You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

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Mom Would Never Say

• Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.
• Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery.
• Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.
• Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.
• The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

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Mothers learn from her children

• You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late.
• Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
• Super glue is forever.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

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What Famous Mothers Have said

• Michelangelo's Mother: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
• Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"
• Albert Einstein's Mother: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
• Thomas Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

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More Mothers' Jokes

• Of MOTHER and DAUGHTER:
One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

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Mother's Love

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:
• I loved you enough to ask where you are going, with whom, and what time you would be home.
• I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a jerk.
• I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh, they almost broke my heart.
• But most of all, I loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it..

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How To Know If You're Ready To Become A Mom

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

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